According to Wikipedia, "Self-esteem is a term used in psychology to reflect a person's overall evaluation or appraisal of his or her own worth. Self-esteem encompasses beliefs (for example, "I am competent", "I am worthy") and emotions such as triumph, despair, pride and shame[citation needed]. Self-esteem can apply specifically to a particular dimension (for example, "I believe I am a good writer and I feel happy about that") or have global extent (for example, "I believe I am a bad person, and feel bad of myself in general").
Psychologists[who?] usually regard self-esteem as an enduring personality characteristic ("trait" self-esteem), though normal, short-term variations ("state" self-esteem) also exist.
Synonyms or near-synonyms of self-esteem include: 'self-worth',[1] 'self-regard',[2] 'self-respect',[3][4] and 'self-integrity'. According to The American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language, "self-love" is "the instinct or desire to promote one's well-being".[5]"
For me...Self-Esteem is that pit deep down in my stomach...it feels like a black hole. A pit that lately...I can't seem to crawl out of. So I guess it's more of a lack of self-esteem.
And I have to say...my entire life I've struggled with weight...and I've NEVER felt this horribly about myself for this long. I used to have confidence. When I met Jim...I was extremely confident in myself and my looks. I may have been overweight...but I was still good looking. But now when I look in the mirror...I just don't see it. I just see a mess. I've felt like this since I had the kids. I guess something in me is different with all the hormone changes. I don't ever feel pretty. Even with my best make up and clothes on...I feel frumpy...gross...pale...blah. Among many other not so nice things.
It's getting to the point where it's really affecting me and I don't know how to fix it. I thought going on an anti-depressant would fix this issue...and it helped a bit...becuase now I at least don't cry about it all the time. But the paranoia is still there. For the life of me...I can't understand why or how Jim finds me attractive. I've pretty much convinced myself that he tells me that he is...so that he wont hurt me. I've got myself convinced that he's going to find a prettier version of me...and then be gone. I feel like sometimes the reason why he's still around is because of the kids...and not me. I guess my self-esteem issues go deeper than just looks...it's me as a person. I feel like I'm not really the person that he wants...that I irritate him...that I'm more of a problem than anything else. Anyone that knows me well enough knows that we've had our issues in the past...what relationship doesn't? But I know that this is all me...and that I'm sure it's all in my head...but I can't shut it off. And it's hard to talk about it because it always causes a fight...and then I make him feel bad...and I don't want to shove my issues on him and cause a strain on our relationship.
A lot of the time...I don't feel whole anymore. I feel like there's just parts of me left and that a big part of me is missing. Sometimes I feel like a shell of the person I used to be. I don't know how to fuse the old me pre-marriage and babies to the new me now. I'm disconnected.
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