I came to that realization yesterday. I was down to 280 after I was sick...I gained 5lbs since then. Actually, when I weighed myself last Tuesday night I was at 290...but I had some water retention.
I'm scared...I'm scared to finally loose all of this weight. Because then what? Then what do I do once I'm done with all of this and I'm at the weight I'm supposed to be at. What happens when I shed this extra 150lbs. What if I'm still not happy? What if I'm still not good enough?
Here's the thing...if I loose all of this weight and I still feel the same way I do now...I can't blame it on my weight. Becuase then it's not a weight problem...it's a me problem. That means the problem is who I am as a person...and how do you change that. What if I loose all of this weight and nothing changes? It's scary...because now...I can hide behind my weight...and I can blame the unhappiness with myself on my weight. But once it's gone...then what? Part of me thinks no matter how much weight I loose, I'm never going to be happy with myself...that scares me.
But I need to stop sabatoging my efforts. We're going away tomorrow for a few days. So I'm taking a break. I'm going to stop counting...and just enjoy myself...becuase I'm obsessing. I'm not going to go over board...but I'm not going to worry about it.
Then...once Monday hits...I'm back at it. NO more little things here and there...it's 100% on plan. I also bought some group fitness classes...it's time to get back 100% on track and gain control again. I was doing so well...and then...I hit a rough spot and now I need to get myself out of that rough spot. I'm going to hold off on weighing myself for a while. I need to focus on good nutrition and good food choices and exercise...and not so much how much I weight right now. Because if I'm eating healthy and getting enough exercise...the weight loss will happen. I just need to refocus...focus on being healthy and not so much on *how much have I lost in the past 2 hours*
I did buy a pair of jeans today on the clearance rack at Lane Bryant...it's a pair of Skinny Jeans. They don't fit yet...they were only $6.99, but I bought them small on purpose. I think if I loose another 15lbs they should fit. Cute clothes are a good motivation.
In other news...my hand still hurts...but it's getting better. They released me back to work on "light duty" until 3/28...which as an inside sales rep "light duty" sounds absurd...but I'm not taking many inbound calls as to limit my typing...but it's giving me more outbound calling opporutnity...so I'm happy. I'm happy spring is almost here...its my favorite time of year for work...April through December is always good. Lots of advertising...lots of opportunities. Jan, Feb & March tend to be the toughest. I'm just excited to be excited about work. January and February kicked my butt a little bit, but staying positive and knowing that things will turn around in a few weeks are getting me in a good mind set. Its getting to be the time of year where people want to spend money.
I went for an EMG today...it sucked. The first part wasn't bad...but the needle part was horrible. The one they put in my arm wasn't bad...the one in my shoulder kind of hurt. It was the 3 they put in my neck...my neck still hurts. I have one spot in my neck that is bad...but it's not causing any of my problems...I went through all of this for NOTHING. No carpal tunnel...no nerve damage...the neurologist said I need to go to a rheumatologist...which I've known all along. It's been 8 months of being in pain non stop...8 months of hell. God willing...within the next month I'll start getting some answers and start feeling back to my old self again.
I hope everyone has a great St. Patrick's Day and a great weekend...I'll update after the weekend on how I did food choice wise.
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