Sticks and Stones

The phrase "Sticks and Stones can break my bones but words can never hurt me" is a crock.

The worst kind of pain you can inflict on someone, in my opinion, is emotional. Emotional scars take much longer to heal...IF they ever heal.

People can be hurtful and judgemental, especially when you're over weight. You expect it from people outside of your life...but when it comes from those within it...it's especially damaging.

In High School...I had this group of "friends"...and I use that term loosely. They would make comments and make fun of me and my weight. Especially this one guy...and trust me...he was no one's visual prize. They would purposely leave me out of things. I have a lot of painful memories. I had other friends that I spent time with...but this was my "gang". Even my best friend took part in it...which I think hurt the most.

I remember going on a trip with her after we graduated...and she was writing a letter to one of our "friends"...her friend...my frenemie I suppose. We were down south...she was complaining to her about how gross I looked in tank tops (really...it was over 90 degrees...) and then making comments about how I looked like a "beached whale" laying by the pool. Yes...I read a letter that wasn't to me...which is wrong. But, I don't know if you've ever had that feeling...that someone is betraying you...I had it. And I had to know. After we got back home...I barely spoke to her the entire summer. I had never been that hurt in my life. What's the purpose of it? What's the point of talking down to someone like that.

I got over it...and we rebuilt our friendship...and I never said anything about it. And I'm sure she'll be shocked to read this...but it happened. And it hurt...those words...from someone that you love as your own family...hurt more than any physical pain.

There's comments like that...and then there's other comments that people make. They don't mean to be hurtful...but they don't think about the impact that they would have.

I remember being about 11 years old or so...and my mother telling me how my Aunt told her that I would be "such a knock out if I would just lose some weight". Really...is it necessary to say that about an 11 year old...more importantly...why would you tell an 11 year old that? At such a critical age...that had a HUGE impact on my self-esteem. I may be over weight...but I'm not a hunch back.

Most recently...this still affects me. My husband and I were having some problems before we were married. And there was this girl he had been involved with (mind you...I was pregnant at this time). She would text me and harass me...and one day...she told me how he told her she was the smallest girl he had ever been with. He's always told me  he loves me no matter what weight I am. But it still sits in my brain. If he made a comment like that to her, he can't really mean it...he can't really be attracted to me...he just puts up with it. Which is most likely absurd...but when your self esteem goes down the tubes like mine did after I had the kids...I can't help but think things like that. When I hit my highest weight...I was convinced he was going to start cheating on me...or leave me for someone else. I still feel like that sometimes. Because I feel like I'm not worth it. And there's so much more to a person that what they look like. I'm more than just the number on the scale...I know that in my brain those feelings and thoughts are ridiculous...but sometimes you can't convince the rest of you.

I guess my point is...be careful what you say...not just about someone's weight...becuase it's more than that. Words have a lasting impression. Once you say something, you cannot ever take it back. And while you can move on from it, the person that you said it to, wont ever forget it.