Update

So it's definitely been a REALLY long time since I posted...but there's definitely been a reason.


We're expecting our 2nd set of twins! I didn't want to post it on here until everyone that I needed to tell was told and didn't find out on the internet...which is always bad.


So...needless to say...my weight loss is definitely at a stall. BUT...I will still keep up with this blog going forward as there is definitely so much more to me and my life than just weight loss.

I'll post more soon!

Self-Esteem

According to Wikipedia, "Self-esteem is a term used in psychology to reflect a person's overall evaluation or appraisal of his or her own worth. Self-esteem encompasses beliefs (for example, "I am competent", "I am worthy") and emotions such as triumph, despair, pride and shame^{[citation needed]}. Self-esteem can apply specifically to a particular dimension (for example, "I believe I am a good writer and I feel happy about that") or have global extent (for example, "I believe I am a bad person, and feel bad of myself in general").
Psychologists^[who?] usually regard self-esteem as an enduring personality characteristic ("trait" self-esteem), though normal, short-term variations ("state" self-esteem) also exist.
Synonyms or near-synonyms of self-esteem include: 'self-worth',^[1] 'self-regard',^[2] 'self-respect',^[3][4] and 'self-integrity'. According to The American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language, "self-love" is "the instinct or desire to promote one's well-being".<sup>[5]"


For me...Self-Esteem is that pit deep down in my stomach...it feels like a black hole. A pit that lately...I can't seem to crawl out of. So I guess it's more of a lack of self-esteem.


And I have to say...my entire life I've struggled with weight...and I've NEVER felt this horribly about myself for this long. I used to have confidence. When I met Jim...I was extremely confident in myself and my looks. I may have been overweight...but I was still good looking. But now when I look in the mirror...I just don't see it. I just see a mess. I've felt like this since I had the kids. I guess something in me is different with all the hormone changes. I don't ever feel pretty. Even with my best make up and clothes on...I feel frumpy...gross...pale...blah. Among many other not so nice things.


It's getting to the point where it's really affecting me and I don't know how to fix it. I thought going on an anti-depressant would fix this issue...and it helped a bit...becuase now I at least don't cry about it all the time. But the paranoia is still there. For the life of me...I can't understand why or how Jim finds me attractive. I've pretty much convinced myself that he tells me that he is...so that he wont hurt me. I've got myself convinced that he's going to find a prettier version of me...and then be gone. I feel like sometimes the reason why he's still around is because of the kids...and not me. I guess my self-esteem issues go deeper than just looks...it's me as a person. I feel like I'm not really the person that he wants...that I irritate him...that I'm more of a problem than anything else. Anyone that knows me well enough knows that we've had our issues in the past...what relationship doesn't? But I know that this is all me...and that I'm sure it's all in my head...but I can't shut it off. And it's hard to talk about it because it always causes a fight...and then I make him feel bad...and I don't want to shove my issues on him and cause a strain on our relationship.


A lot of the time...I don't feel whole anymore. I feel like there's just parts of me left and that a big part of me is missing. Sometimes I feel like a shell of the person I used to be. I don't know how to fuse the old me pre-marriage and babies to the new me now. I'm disconnected.</sup>

Back on Track

So I switched back to the Momentum plan on Monday. I have to say...I feel 100% back in control. I'm not sure what it was about Points Plus...but it was like I could binge..and stay within my points...and eating those foods...even while in my point range...wasn't working. I get the idea of it to make better choices...and I firmly believe that once I'm closer to goal or at goal I'll be switching back to that plan, but for now, this is what is going to work for me. I just feel happier about it.

I'm starting my classes next week, I was going to do it this week. But Jim is off...and that means more time with him and the twins, so I'm taking it. He's usually home super late so I don't get to see them, so I'm taking advantage of it.


I'm going to do some Hip Hop dance classes, Zumba...and I'm thinking about Spinning. We'll see how they go!

I self Sabatoge...

I came to that realization yesterday. I was down to 280 after I was sick...I gained 5lbs since then. Actually, when I weighed myself last Tuesday night I was at 290...but I had some water retention.

I'm scared...I'm scared to finally loose all of this weight. Because then what? Then what do I do once I'm done with all of this and I'm at the weight I'm supposed to be at. What happens when I shed this extra 150lbs. What if I'm still not happy? What if I'm still not good enough?


Here's the thing...if I loose all of this weight and I still feel the same way I do now...I can't blame it on my weight. Becuase then it's not a weight problem...it's a me problem. That means the problem is who I am as a person...and how do you change that. What if I loose all of this weight and nothing changes? It's scary...because now...I can hide behind my weight...and I can blame the unhappiness with myself on my weight. But once it's gone...then what? Part of me thinks no matter how much weight I loose, I'm never going to be happy with myself...that scares me.


But I need to stop sabatoging my efforts. We're going away tomorrow for a few days. So I'm taking a break. I'm going to stop counting...and just enjoy myself...becuase I'm obsessing. I'm not going to go over board...but I'm not going to worry about it.


Then...once Monday hits...I'm back at it. NO more little things here and there...it's 100% on plan. I also bought some group fitness classes...it's time to get back 100% on track and gain control again. I was doing so well...and then...I hit a rough spot and now I need to get myself out of that rough spot. I'm going to hold off on weighing myself for a while. I need to focus on good nutrition and good food choices and exercise...and not so much how much I weight right now. Because if I'm eating healthy and getting enough exercise...the weight loss will happen. I just need to refocus...focus on being healthy and not so much on  *how much have I lost in the past 2 hours*


I did buy a pair of jeans today on the clearance rack at Lane Bryant...it's a pair of Skinny Jeans. They don't fit yet...they were only $6.99, but I bought them small on purpose. I think if I loose another 15lbs they should fit. Cute clothes are a good motivation.


In other news...my hand still hurts...but it's getting better. They released me back to work on "light duty" until 3/28...which as an inside sales rep "light duty" sounds absurd...but I'm not taking many inbound calls as to limit my typing...but it's giving me more outbound calling opporutnity...so I'm happy. I'm happy spring is almost here...its my favorite time of year for work...April through December is always good. Lots of advertising...lots of opportunities. Jan, Feb & March tend to be the toughest. I'm just excited to be excited about work. January and February kicked my butt a little bit, but staying positive and knowing that things will turn around in a few weeks are getting me in a good mind set. Its getting to be the time of year where people want to spend money.

I went for an EMG today...it sucked. The first part wasn't bad...but the needle part was horrible. The one they put in my arm wasn't bad...the one in my shoulder kind of hurt. It was the 3 they put in my neck...my neck still hurts. I have one spot in my neck that is bad...but it's not causing any of my problems...I went through all of this for NOTHING. No carpal tunnel...no nerve damage...the neurologist said I need to go to  a rheumatologist...which I've known all along. It's been 8 months of being in pain non stop...8 months of hell. God willing...within the next month I'll start getting some answers and start feeling back to my old self again.


I hope everyone has a great St. Patrick's Day and a great weekend...I'll update after the weekend on how I did food choice wise.

What a week..

So the posts have been lacking...and this one will be short.

I fell on ice Monday at work and messed up my left hand. ER saw no fractures...I have to see a hand specialist on Monday to check for other issues since I'm still having pain. I've been out of work all week (bloooows). Hopefully I'll be back Monday after my appointment.

Weighed my self at home...back down to 288-289ish. Then the stomach flu hit...it's been awful in this house...I'm down to 280...but I don't record weight until next week...so we'll see how it fluctuates once I start eating again.

I've decided to start doing WW at home. I want to take some Zumba and Spinning classes...time wise...I can't do both that and meetings. So we'll see how it goes...and if I need to go back I can.


That's it for now. Hopefully I'll be on the mend and back on plan in the next few days.

Experimenting with points this week

So since Points Plus hasn't proven to be all that fantastic for me. Weeks where I stuck 110% to plan...not opportunity of miscounting, etc. I gained...it's frustrating.

A good friend of mine got all of the old Momentum material for me from her leader and is mailing it this week. I'll be going back to Momentum as of Thursday. I'm really exctied. Points Plus is a great plan...and I think once I'm in maintenance it'll be great. Right now...at this point in my weight loss...It leaves me the opportunity to eat too much. It allows me to binge within plan. They said points plus pushes you to make better choices...I made better choices on Momentum.


So this week...because what's the worst that's going to happen...I'm going to gain another 2lbs? I decided to cycle my points Take all my points and have higher calorie days Fri., Sat. & Sun. and lighter days Thursday, Monday and Tuesday. See how it goes...it might bump my metabolism.


Next week I go for my EMG...and then most likely to a rheumatologist. Part of me is nervous that I'm expecting the miracle cure that wont happen...and I'll feel like this for the rest of my life. And maybe that's a little dramatic...but these past two weeks have been really hard...and it's really been getting to me.



Here's a great recipe from my favorite website...her stuff is fabulous.


http://www.skinnytaste.com/2011/03/strawberry-swirl-cheesecake.html

The hangover...

I'm still pretty upset about yesterday's gain...it just sucks. I've been on Weight Watchers since October...almost 6 months...and with the up and downs I've had...I've only lost about 15lbs since then. It's frustrating and upsetting. I feel like such a failure.


I've decided to switch back to the Momentum plan from Points Plus once I get the materials in the mail again. Luckily a friend of mine snagged some left overs from her WW meeting leader so I don't have to buy the stuff again.


Hopefully that will be the boost I need...that plan worked so much better for me. I get the idea of Points Plus and making better choices...but I need to do what works best to get where I need to be.

Happy F*cking birthday to me...

Up 3.8lbs today. I don't get it. I was on plan...all week...I got a new scale and measuring cups so that I could weight and measure everything. 7 weeks of this...up and down...up and down. It's like...what's the point? I feel like I'm never going to loose this weight...so what's the point?

I'm so tired of working hard and getting no where...with everything. No matter what...no matter what part of my life...no matter how hard I work...it's never good enough. So why bother trying?

I'm tired of feeling like crap every day. NO matter how much I sleep or don't sleep I'm exausted. I'm tired of being in constant pain. Most days...I don't even want to get out of bed...because I know what's going to happen. I'm going to be tired...frustrated and in pain. I'm just so tired of it.

"Our greatest glory consists not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall"

I hate weigh in days...mostly because I'm afraid I'm going to see the scale go up.

For the past 6 weeks I've gone up and down in the same 5lb range...last week I stayed the same and broke the gain cycle. So hopefully today the scale goes down (It would suck to gain on my birthday)

I feel like I had a really successful week...but sometimes...even if I think I had a great week...I didn't.

I just want to be able to work out...but with my health issues I've had as of late...I haven't been able to. Which is frustrating. I think I'm going to see if I can do some of the 10 min work outs off of the "Exercise on Demand" station. 10 mins a day is better than NO mins a day. I want to use the ab circle sooooo bad...but I can't put the pressure on my hands to use it. It's frustrating...I'm definitely frustrated.

For those who don't know what health issues I'm talking about. From about 4 months after I had the twins...I started having widespread pain in my joints and muscles. The pain in my back, neck legs and hips come and goes. But I have constant chronic pain in my hands and arms...the worst is my left hand. It's so bad now I can barely open a bottle of soda (I noticed that today). I've had a bunch of blood work done...I'm on a perscription pain med. I go for an EMG this month and then after that my doctor is referring me to a Rheumatologist. I just want to know what it is I'm dealing with and get on the right meds so I can get back to my life. There's days where I can hardly carry my own children...it's depressing. I'm 28 years old... not 78.

So we'll see what tonights weigh in reveals. Hopefully the scale goes down like I want it to.

Sticks and Stones

The phrase "Sticks and Stones can break my bones but words can never hurt me" is a crock.

The worst kind of pain you can inflict on someone, in my opinion, is emotional. Emotional scars take much longer to heal...IF they ever heal.

People can be hurtful and judgemental, especially when you're over weight. You expect it from people outside of your life...but when it comes from those within it...it's especially damaging.

In High School...I had this group of "friends"...and I use that term loosely. They would make comments and make fun of me and my weight. Especially this one guy...and trust me...he was no one's visual prize. They would purposely leave me out of things. I have a lot of painful memories. I had other friends that I spent time with...but this was my "gang". Even my best friend took part in it...which I think hurt the most.

I remember going on a trip with her after we graduated...and she was writing a letter to one of our "friends"...her friend...my frenemie I suppose. We were down south...she was complaining to her about how gross I looked in tank tops (really...it was over 90 degrees...) and then making comments about how I looked like a "beached whale" laying by the pool. Yes...I read a letter that wasn't to me...which is wrong. But, I don't know if you've ever had that feeling...that someone is betraying you...I had it. And I had to know. After we got back home...I barely spoke to her the entire summer. I had never been that hurt in my life. What's the purpose of it? What's the point of talking down to someone like that.

I got over it...and we rebuilt our friendship...and I never said anything about it. And I'm sure she'll be shocked to read this...but it happened. And it hurt...those words...from someone that you love as your own family...hurt more than any physical pain.

There's comments like that...and then there's other comments that people make. They don't mean to be hurtful...but they don't think about the impact that they would have.

I remember being about 11 years old or so...and my mother telling me how my Aunt told her that I would be "such a knock out if I would just lose some weight". Really...is it necessary to say that about an 11 year old...more importantly...why would you tell an 11 year old that? At such a critical age...that had a HUGE impact on my self-esteem. I may be over weight...but I'm not a hunch back.

Most recently...this still affects me. My husband and I were having some problems before we were married. And there was this girl he had been involved with (mind you...I was pregnant at this time). She would text me and harass me...and one day...she told me how he told her she was the smallest girl he had ever been with. He's always told me  he loves me no matter what weight I am. But it still sits in my brain. If he made a comment like that to her, he can't really mean it...he can't really be attracted to me...he just puts up with it. Which is most likely absurd...but when your self esteem goes down the tubes like mine did after I had the kids...I can't help but think things like that. When I hit my highest weight...I was convinced he was going to start cheating on me...or leave me for someone else. I still feel like that sometimes. Because I feel like I'm not worth it. And there's so much more to a person that what they look like. I'm more than just the number on the scale...I know that in my brain those feelings and thoughts are ridiculous...but sometimes you can't convince the rest of you.

I guess my point is...be careful what you say...not just about someone's weight...becuase it's more than that. Words have a lasting impression. Once you say something, you cannot ever take it back. And while you can move on from it, the person that you said it to, wont ever forget it.

Buffet + Diet= ?

I think the answer to that question depends on  you...the day your having and what kind of choices you allow yourself to make.


Jim and I went to Turning Stone last night with some friends for dinner at the Buffet...a lot of bad choices can be had. BUT...I did well. This is what I had:



Sushi
A small piece of Turkey
A small piece of Roasted Chicken
Sm. Salad w/ FF Italian Dressing and crumbly Bleu Cheese
About a cup Lemon Pepper Chinese Chicken
(I got a sm. piece of the baked Tilapia...not so great...didn't eat it...it made me gag)


For anyone that has been to the Buffet...they have a pretty decent dessert spread...which never fails to be my downfall...especially with their choclate fondue fountain. BUT...I definitely overcame it...

I had a Sugar Free Cheese Cake...a mini cup...but didn't eat the crust and a few bites of a sugar free pie.


All in all...definitely a success. That's the one thing I love about Weight Watchers is the flexibility...I can eat whatever I want within reason. I had saved up enough daily points and used some of my weekly points allowance to be able to enjoy dinner...and not over indulge.


We're going to Applebees tonight for my Birthday dinner...Applebees is great because they have their 550 Calorie and under menu (Not so crazy about their Weight Watcher foods anymore...most of them have a funny after taste to me)

So I pulled up the menu and made my way to the Nutritional Facts...and I can't even lie...it made me sick...

I found a website that posts Points Plus Values of popular restaurants with their nutritional information
Weight Watchers Points Plus Restaurant List


Here's a list of some of my favorites...and their fat content...

Spinach and Artichoke Dip...107 grams of fat
Loaded mashed potatoes...29 grams of fat (in a POTATO)
Apple Walnut Chicken Salad...65 grams of fat (In a friggin salad...REALLY??!!)
Bacon Cheddar Burger...60 grams of fat


Their Desserts...are absolutely ABSURD. There's nor eason for them to be that high in fat...

The chocolate mousse shooter (A Shooter...not a full size dessert...literally 2 mouth fulls) 31 grams of fat (that's 15.5 grams of fat per bite for those of you counting at home).


Take a moment and look over the kid's menu...35 grams of fat in a Grilled Cheese Sandwhich...46 Grams of fat in 2 mini cheese burgers.


And we wonder why America has a Childhood Obesity epidemic...


The worst offender I could see on the list (That pertains to my area...a lot of these restaurants we just don't have) Uno's Chicago Bar & Grill


My most favorite thing from there of all time...Their Pizza Skins...when I looked at the nutritional information...I actuallys shuddered and then threw up in my mouth a bit after I thought about the number of times I've actually eaten this.

This little plate that you get is 5 servings...Basically one slice per person...but really...who orders that and has just one piece...I know I didn't...Usually I would order that as dinner with a salad.


The total fat on that plate was 140 grams.


It gets better (Or worse really)...take a look at their entrees...most of them are 2 servings...Look at the Chicken Alfredo...140 grams or so of fat on the plate...The Chicken Spinoccoli...124 grams.

Lobster Mac 'n' Cheese...200 grams of fat served on one plate.


I could go on and on and on...on that menu alone.


Now...I know that I said we can't blame the fast food industry or anyone else as adults for our weight problems...BUT...somewhere along the way down the road...Restaurants like these have to take responsibility somewhere.


NO where on the Unos Menu does it tell you that those dinners are for 2 people. And why...why is it necessary to pack that much added fat, calories, preservatives, etc into food. YOU'RE KILLING PEOPLE. Mostly because people just aren't aware. They look at a menu and think...Bakes Stuffed Chicken. Oh...it's stuffed with tomatoes...spinach...a little Mozarella cheese. That's a great choice...for their menu...it is...because not including sides...it only  has 36 grams of fat in it.


Why is it necessary for a salad to have almost 100 grams of fat in it. It's a salad...it should be healty.


Restaurants...especially some of my local favorites...that don't include nutritional information on their website dissapoint me and I'm less likely to eat  there. I want to plan my meal out before I go, and if I can't...I probably wont eat there. I would much rather put my money into local food instead of chain restaurants.


Red Lobster...has great options...Sea Food is really good for you. I applaud them...because they could have done a lot with their food to make it high in fat and calories...the only things that seem high are pastas and anything with a cream sauce which is to be expected...but it's not outrageous.


I want to touch on Children's menus...but I'll save that for a later posting...that's a whole topic in itself.


To boil it down to a point...we have to be aware of what we're putting into our bodies, whether you're over weight, under weight or at an ideal weight. Know what it is that you're eating. I never did before. I would never have looked up nutritional values before Weight Watchers. I can't believe some of the things that I used to put into my body thinking it was a healthy choice. You think that salad is the best choice you can make...but you're so wrong wrong wrong!!!


I can almost 100% guarantee that I will probably never at at Unos again. I wont ever order a dessert from Applebees again. I'll save points for special occasions or for a meal that is really worth it to me...but I can't see throwing 35 points away on a dessert alone.

I just deep down wish that restaurants would start being more health concious and more informative about what they put in their foods. Being uninformed is what keeps us fat...among many many other things.

Nothing Great Was Ever Achieved Without Enthusiasm.

I sit here today...my first post...at 289lbs. This is the first time in my life...that I've really put this out there. I've always been too ashamed...too embarressed of my weight. I've come to the realization that unless I confront it, in a more public manor...I'll never achieve what I want to achieve. I want to get my life back.

I've been overweight my entire life. It's not something I'm proud of...but it is what it is. Can I blame my parents? Sure. They could have made better choices for me as a child. BUT...I'm an adult now...and the only person I can blame for this continuing is myself. I take responsibility for me. It's not my mom's fault...or the fast food industry...or any other ridiculous excuses I've heard and or made. It's mine and mine alone now. I'll be 28 years old in less than a week...how dare I...or anyone else try to put the blame on someone else?

I think one of the things that gets me is that...many people with a weight problem are seen as lazy...gluttons...etc. Is that true...sure, but not 100% of the time. I think sometimes...people just give up on themselves. My biggest problem...emotional eating. I've done it since I was a kid...It got me through my parents horrendus marriage, lost of loved ones, and any other tramatic event I can think of. It's time to break that cycle.

I started Weight Watchers in October. At that time...I had gotten up to my highest weight of all time...310lbs. (I'll wait for your jaw to come up off the ground...) I've never hit that kind of low (or high in this case). I've never weight that much in my life. I'm sure you're curious what happened...

Pregnancy happend...and then Post Partum Depression REALLY happened.

Before I got pregnant...I started loosing weight...finally and consistantly. Obviously when you have another human growing inside of you...that goes out the window...now multiply that by 2. It wasn't the acutal pregnancy that made me gain so much weight. I gained a total of 60lbs, for a twin pregnancy...not too shabby. After I had my C-section and I lost all of the extra swelling and water weight...I gained probably about 35lbs. 4 weeks or so after I had the twins I had gotten a really bad case of bronchitis and went to the doctor...much to my surprise...not only had I lost those 35lbs in 4 weeks...I had lost 45lbs in 4 weeks.

My son spent the first week of his life in the NICU...he weighed in at only 4lbs 11oz (They were full term at 38 weeks). Undoubtedly the worst week of my life as I went back and forth from home to hospital between two children. This is what sparked the PPD. I was elated when we finally got to bring him home...but also incredibly overwhelmed with 2 infants. We were living with my mother at the time...she went to work at 2pm...my husband left for work at Noon. I was alone with two screaming infants from 1:30 until 8:30 at night alone. Occasionally I'd get some help from my brother and his wife...but I felt isolated, depressed, lonely...and scared...I had no idea what I was doing. I didn't have one baby to screw up...I had two. Add that plus two extremely colicy babies...and you have a recipe for disaster. I stopped eating...I stopped sleeping. I was like a walking zombie...(*Note...I would go through it again for those two little monsters. Whatever I wen through or continue to go through doesn't compare to the love I have for them and the love they give me.)

Then I went back to work...and I sunk even lower. I missed my babies...not only was I only getting 3 hours of sleep a night...but then I was working 40 hours a week...at a Job that was new...and I hated (Luckily...my past employer rescued me with my old position back). I felt like a horrible mother because someone else was raising my children instead of me. So now that I was back to work and wasn't focused on the twins...I started eating again...and not good things...fast food, take out...etc. Which lead me to reach the highest weight of my life. Some other health issues snapped me out of it...and after speaking with my doctor...(and my other choice being a Gastric Bypass) I joined Weight Watchers the next day.

Since October...I've lost 20lbs. I wont lie...I'm dissapointed that it's not more. I've spent the last month loosing and gaining the same 3 lbs over and over. It's taking some adjustements getting used to the new Weight Watchers plan...and finding out what foods and combinations work best for me...and readjusting portion sizes, etc. But I have no doubt that once I get this under control...I can then continue to get my weight under control and hope to be to a normal weight by my Birthday next year. (My goal is 135lbs...but I'll be more than happy to be around the 150lb mark)

I still battle depression...every day...My doctor put me on an anti-depressant...which has changed a LOT for me...I don't feel so desperate, hopless or anxious anymore. But it's still a battle. A battle that I fight with myself every day. But I'm confident that with the support of Weight Watchers...and my incredible and supportive Husband...I can get my life back.

(My Everything)