It makes me laugh because the title is a horrible self help book in "Sex and the City" but it's so true to me right now.
I had the my boys, Lucas and Logan, December 6th 2012...and it's been up and down ever since. I'm determined to stop the vicious cycle...this time for good.
Posting here always helped me before...don't ask me why I didn't start sooner.
I'm definitely facing a whole new list of struggles...finding the time to work out with 4 little children and a husband who works an opposite shift of me...a herniated disk in my back from my last pregnancy and was recently diagnosed with Fibromyalsia. But I'm determined to overcome those and not use them as excuses or crutches anymore. I'm sick of being uncomfortable in my own skin...so the time to change is most definitely now.
Monday, June 11, 2012
Saturday, May 14, 2011
Update
So it's definitely been a REALLY long time since I posted...but there's definitely been a reason.
We're expecting our 2nd set of twins! I didn't want to post it on here until everyone that I needed to tell was told and didn't find out on the internet...which is always bad.
So...needless to say...my weight loss is definitely at a stall. BUT...I will still keep up with this blog going forward as there is definitely so much more to me and my life than just weight loss.
I'll post more soon!
We're expecting our 2nd set of twins! I didn't want to post it on here until everyone that I needed to tell was told and didn't find out on the internet...which is always bad.
So...needless to say...my weight loss is definitely at a stall. BUT...I will still keep up with this blog going forward as there is definitely so much more to me and my life than just weight loss.
I'll post more soon!
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Self-Esteem
According to Wikipedia, "Self-esteem is a term used in psychology to reflect a person's overall evaluation or appraisal of his or her own worth. Self-esteem encompasses beliefs (for example, "I am competent", "I am worthy") and emotions such as triumph, despair, pride and shame[citation needed]. Self-esteem can apply specifically to a particular dimension (for example, "I believe I am a good writer and I feel happy about that") or have global extent (for example, "I believe I am a bad person, and feel bad of myself in general").
Psychologists[who?] usually regard self-esteem as an enduring personality characteristic ("trait" self-esteem), though normal, short-term variations ("state" self-esteem) also exist.
Synonyms or near-synonyms of self-esteem include: 'self-worth',[1] 'self-regard',[2] 'self-respect',[3][4] and 'self-integrity'. According to The American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language, "self-love" is "the instinct or desire to promote one's well-being".[5]"
For me...Self-Esteem is that pit deep down in my stomach...it feels like a black hole. A pit that lately...I can't seem to crawl out of. So I guess it's more of a lack of self-esteem.
And I have to say...my entire life I've struggled with weight...and I've NEVER felt this horribly about myself for this long. I used to have confidence. When I met Jim...I was extremely confident in myself and my looks. I may have been overweight...but I was still good looking. But now when I look in the mirror...I just don't see it. I just see a mess. I've felt like this since I had the kids. I guess something in me is different with all the hormone changes. I don't ever feel pretty. Even with my best make up and clothes on...I feel frumpy...gross...pale...blah. Among many other not so nice things.
It's getting to the point where it's really affecting me and I don't know how to fix it. I thought going on an anti-depressant would fix this issue...and it helped a bit...becuase now I at least don't cry about it all the time. But the paranoia is still there. For the life of me...I can't understand why or how Jim finds me attractive. I've pretty much convinced myself that he tells me that he is...so that he wont hurt me. I've got myself convinced that he's going to find a prettier version of me...and then be gone. I feel like sometimes the reason why he's still around is because of the kids...and not me. I guess my self-esteem issues go deeper than just looks...it's me as a person. I feel like I'm not really the person that he wants...that I irritate him...that I'm more of a problem than anything else. Anyone that knows me well enough knows that we've had our issues in the past...what relationship doesn't? But I know that this is all me...and that I'm sure it's all in my head...but I can't shut it off. And it's hard to talk about it because it always causes a fight...and then I make him feel bad...and I don't want to shove my issues on him and cause a strain on our relationship.
A lot of the time...I don't feel whole anymore. I feel like there's just parts of me left and that a big part of me is missing. Sometimes I feel like a shell of the person I used to be. I don't know how to fuse the old me pre-marriage and babies to the new me now. I'm disconnected.
Psychologists[who?] usually regard self-esteem as an enduring personality characteristic ("trait" self-esteem), though normal, short-term variations ("state" self-esteem) also exist.
Synonyms or near-synonyms of self-esteem include: 'self-worth',[1] 'self-regard',[2] 'self-respect',[3][4] and 'self-integrity'. According to The American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language, "self-love" is "the instinct or desire to promote one's well-being".[5]"
For me...Self-Esteem is that pit deep down in my stomach...it feels like a black hole. A pit that lately...I can't seem to crawl out of. So I guess it's more of a lack of self-esteem.
And I have to say...my entire life I've struggled with weight...and I've NEVER felt this horribly about myself for this long. I used to have confidence. When I met Jim...I was extremely confident in myself and my looks. I may have been overweight...but I was still good looking. But now when I look in the mirror...I just don't see it. I just see a mess. I've felt like this since I had the kids. I guess something in me is different with all the hormone changes. I don't ever feel pretty. Even with my best make up and clothes on...I feel frumpy...gross...pale...blah. Among many other not so nice things.
It's getting to the point where it's really affecting me and I don't know how to fix it. I thought going on an anti-depressant would fix this issue...and it helped a bit...becuase now I at least don't cry about it all the time. But the paranoia is still there. For the life of me...I can't understand why or how Jim finds me attractive. I've pretty much convinced myself that he tells me that he is...so that he wont hurt me. I've got myself convinced that he's going to find a prettier version of me...and then be gone. I feel like sometimes the reason why he's still around is because of the kids...and not me. I guess my self-esteem issues go deeper than just looks...it's me as a person. I feel like I'm not really the person that he wants...that I irritate him...that I'm more of a problem than anything else. Anyone that knows me well enough knows that we've had our issues in the past...what relationship doesn't? But I know that this is all me...and that I'm sure it's all in my head...but I can't shut it off. And it's hard to talk about it because it always causes a fight...and then I make him feel bad...and I don't want to shove my issues on him and cause a strain on our relationship.
A lot of the time...I don't feel whole anymore. I feel like there's just parts of me left and that a big part of me is missing. Sometimes I feel like a shell of the person I used to be. I don't know how to fuse the old me pre-marriage and babies to the new me now. I'm disconnected.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Back on Track
So I switched back to the Momentum plan on Monday. I have to say...I feel 100% back in control. I'm not sure what it was about Points Plus...but it was like I could binge..and stay within my points...and eating those foods...even while in my point range...wasn't working. I get the idea of it to make better choices...and I firmly believe that once I'm closer to goal or at goal I'll be switching back to that plan, but for now, this is what is going to work for me. I just feel happier about it.
I'm starting my classes next week, I was going to do it this week. But Jim is off...and that means more time with him and the twins, so I'm taking it. He's usually home super late so I don't get to see them, so I'm taking advantage of it.
I'm going to do some Hip Hop dance classes, Zumba...and I'm thinking about Spinning. We'll see how they go!
I'm starting my classes next week, I was going to do it this week. But Jim is off...and that means more time with him and the twins, so I'm taking it. He's usually home super late so I don't get to see them, so I'm taking advantage of it.
I'm going to do some Hip Hop dance classes, Zumba...and I'm thinking about Spinning. We'll see how they go!
Thursday, March 17, 2011
I self Sabatoge...
I came to that realization yesterday. I was down to 280 after I was sick...I gained 5lbs since then. Actually, when I weighed myself last Tuesday night I was at 290...but I had some water retention.
I'm scared...I'm scared to finally loose all of this weight. Because then what? Then what do I do once I'm done with all of this and I'm at the weight I'm supposed to be at. What happens when I shed this extra 150lbs. What if I'm still not happy? What if I'm still not good enough?
Here's the thing...if I loose all of this weight and I still feel the same way I do now...I can't blame it on my weight. Becuase then it's not a weight problem...it's a me problem. That means the problem is who I am as a person...and how do you change that. What if I loose all of this weight and nothing changes? It's scary...because now...I can hide behind my weight...and I can blame the unhappiness with myself on my weight. But once it's gone...then what? Part of me thinks no matter how much weight I loose, I'm never going to be happy with myself...that scares me.
But I need to stop sabatoging my efforts. We're going away tomorrow for a few days. So I'm taking a break. I'm going to stop counting...and just enjoy myself...becuase I'm obsessing. I'm not going to go over board...but I'm not going to worry about it.
Then...once Monday hits...I'm back at it. NO more little things here and there...it's 100% on plan. I also bought some group fitness classes...it's time to get back 100% on track and gain control again. I was doing so well...and then...I hit a rough spot and now I need to get myself out of that rough spot. I'm going to hold off on weighing myself for a while. I need to focus on good nutrition and good food choices and exercise...and not so much how much I weight right now. Because if I'm eating healthy and getting enough exercise...the weight loss will happen. I just need to refocus...focus on being healthy and not so much on *how much have I lost in the past 2 hours*
I did buy a pair of jeans today on the clearance rack at Lane Bryant...it's a pair of Skinny Jeans. They don't fit yet...they were only $6.99, but I bought them small on purpose. I think if I loose another 15lbs they should fit. Cute clothes are a good motivation.
In other news...my hand still hurts...but it's getting better. They released me back to work on "light duty" until 3/28...which as an inside sales rep "light duty" sounds absurd...but I'm not taking many inbound calls as to limit my typing...but it's giving me more outbound calling opporutnity...so I'm happy. I'm happy spring is almost here...its my favorite time of year for work...April through December is always good. Lots of advertising...lots of opportunities. Jan, Feb & March tend to be the toughest. I'm just excited to be excited about work. January and February kicked my butt a little bit, but staying positive and knowing that things will turn around in a few weeks are getting me in a good mind set. Its getting to be the time of year where people want to spend money.
I went for an EMG today...it sucked. The first part wasn't bad...but the needle part was horrible. The one they put in my arm wasn't bad...the one in my shoulder kind of hurt. It was the 3 they put in my neck...my neck still hurts. I have one spot in my neck that is bad...but it's not causing any of my problems...I went through all of this for NOTHING. No carpal tunnel...no nerve damage...the neurologist said I need to go to a rheumatologist...which I've known all along. It's been 8 months of being in pain non stop...8 months of hell. God willing...within the next month I'll start getting some answers and start feeling back to my old self again.
I hope everyone has a great St. Patrick's Day and a great weekend...I'll update after the weekend on how I did food choice wise.
I'm scared...I'm scared to finally loose all of this weight. Because then what? Then what do I do once I'm done with all of this and I'm at the weight I'm supposed to be at. What happens when I shed this extra 150lbs. What if I'm still not happy? What if I'm still not good enough?
Here's the thing...if I loose all of this weight and I still feel the same way I do now...I can't blame it on my weight. Becuase then it's not a weight problem...it's a me problem. That means the problem is who I am as a person...and how do you change that. What if I loose all of this weight and nothing changes? It's scary...because now...I can hide behind my weight...and I can blame the unhappiness with myself on my weight. But once it's gone...then what? Part of me thinks no matter how much weight I loose, I'm never going to be happy with myself...that scares me.
But I need to stop sabatoging my efforts. We're going away tomorrow for a few days. So I'm taking a break. I'm going to stop counting...and just enjoy myself...becuase I'm obsessing. I'm not going to go over board...but I'm not going to worry about it.
Then...once Monday hits...I'm back at it. NO more little things here and there...it's 100% on plan. I also bought some group fitness classes...it's time to get back 100% on track and gain control again. I was doing so well...and then...I hit a rough spot and now I need to get myself out of that rough spot. I'm going to hold off on weighing myself for a while. I need to focus on good nutrition and good food choices and exercise...and not so much how much I weight right now. Because if I'm eating healthy and getting enough exercise...the weight loss will happen. I just need to refocus...focus on being healthy and not so much on *how much have I lost in the past 2 hours*
I did buy a pair of jeans today on the clearance rack at Lane Bryant...it's a pair of Skinny Jeans. They don't fit yet...they were only $6.99, but I bought them small on purpose. I think if I loose another 15lbs they should fit. Cute clothes are a good motivation.
In other news...my hand still hurts...but it's getting better. They released me back to work on "light duty" until 3/28...which as an inside sales rep "light duty" sounds absurd...but I'm not taking many inbound calls as to limit my typing...but it's giving me more outbound calling opporutnity...so I'm happy. I'm happy spring is almost here...its my favorite time of year for work...April through December is always good. Lots of advertising...lots of opportunities. Jan, Feb & March tend to be the toughest. I'm just excited to be excited about work. January and February kicked my butt a little bit, but staying positive and knowing that things will turn around in a few weeks are getting me in a good mind set. Its getting to be the time of year where people want to spend money.
I went for an EMG today...it sucked. The first part wasn't bad...but the needle part was horrible. The one they put in my arm wasn't bad...the one in my shoulder kind of hurt. It was the 3 they put in my neck...my neck still hurts. I have one spot in my neck that is bad...but it's not causing any of my problems...I went through all of this for NOTHING. No carpal tunnel...no nerve damage...the neurologist said I need to go to a rheumatologist...which I've known all along. It's been 8 months of being in pain non stop...8 months of hell. God willing...within the next month I'll start getting some answers and start feeling back to my old self again.
I hope everyone has a great St. Patrick's Day and a great weekend...I'll update after the weekend on how I did food choice wise.
Friday, March 11, 2011
What a week..
So the posts have been lacking...and this one will be short.
I fell on ice Monday at work and messed up my left hand. ER saw no fractures...I have to see a hand specialist on Monday to check for other issues since I'm still having pain. I've been out of work all week (bloooows). Hopefully I'll be back Monday after my appointment.
Weighed my self at home...back down to 288-289ish. Then the stomach flu hit...it's been awful in this house...I'm down to 280...but I don't record weight until next week...so we'll see how it fluctuates once I start eating again.
I've decided to start doing WW at home. I want to take some Zumba and Spinning classes...time wise...I can't do both that and meetings. So we'll see how it goes...and if I need to go back I can.
That's it for now. Hopefully I'll be on the mend and back on plan in the next few days.
I fell on ice Monday at work and messed up my left hand. ER saw no fractures...I have to see a hand specialist on Monday to check for other issues since I'm still having pain. I've been out of work all week (bloooows). Hopefully I'll be back Monday after my appointment.
Weighed my self at home...back down to 288-289ish. Then the stomach flu hit...it's been awful in this house...I'm down to 280...but I don't record weight until next week...so we'll see how it fluctuates once I start eating again.
I've decided to start doing WW at home. I want to take some Zumba and Spinning classes...time wise...I can't do both that and meetings. So we'll see how it goes...and if I need to go back I can.
That's it for now. Hopefully I'll be on the mend and back on plan in the next few days.
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Experimenting with points this week
So since Points Plus hasn't proven to be all that fantastic for me. Weeks where I stuck 110% to plan...not opportunity of miscounting, etc. I gained...it's frustrating.
A good friend of mine got all of the old Momentum material for me from her leader and is mailing it this week. I'll be going back to Momentum as of Thursday. I'm really exctied. Points Plus is a great plan...and I think once I'm in maintenance it'll be great. Right now...at this point in my weight loss...It leaves me the opportunity to eat too much. It allows me to binge within plan. They said points plus pushes you to make better choices...I made better choices on Momentum.
So this week...because what's the worst that's going to happen...I'm going to gain another 2lbs? I decided to cycle my points Take all my points and have higher calorie days Fri., Sat. & Sun. and lighter days Thursday, Monday and Tuesday. See how it goes...it might bump my metabolism.
Next week I go for my EMG...and then most likely to a rheumatologist. Part of me is nervous that I'm expecting the miracle cure that wont happen...and I'll feel like this for the rest of my life. And maybe that's a little dramatic...but these past two weeks have been really hard...and it's really been getting to me.
Here's a great recipe from my favorite website...her stuff is fabulous.
http://www.skinnytaste.com/2011/03/strawberry-swirl-cheesecake.html
A good friend of mine got all of the old Momentum material for me from her leader and is mailing it this week. I'll be going back to Momentum as of Thursday. I'm really exctied. Points Plus is a great plan...and I think once I'm in maintenance it'll be great. Right now...at this point in my weight loss...It leaves me the opportunity to eat too much. It allows me to binge within plan. They said points plus pushes you to make better choices...I made better choices on Momentum.
So this week...because what's the worst that's going to happen...I'm going to gain another 2lbs? I decided to cycle my points Take all my points and have higher calorie days Fri., Sat. & Sun. and lighter days Thursday, Monday and Tuesday. See how it goes...it might bump my metabolism.
Next week I go for my EMG...and then most likely to a rheumatologist. Part of me is nervous that I'm expecting the miracle cure that wont happen...and I'll feel like this for the rest of my life. And maybe that's a little dramatic...but these past two weeks have been really hard...and it's really been getting to me.
Here's a great recipe from my favorite website...her stuff is fabulous.
http://www.skinnytaste.com/2011/03/strawberry-swirl-cheesecake.html
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